


Learning Limits

by bpd_changeling



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (aka the only raphael), ADHD!simon, M/M, Saphael, ace!raphael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 09:30:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12385485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpd_changeling/pseuds/bpd_changeling
Summary: New relationships are always a little tricky, and even more so for your favorite local vampires





	Learning Limits

     It was taking Simon some time to learn Raphael's limits, both generally and romantically. He wasn't upset about this; he wanted to respect both Raphael's personality and his asexuality. However, he was very afraid of messing up. For example, he knew that for Raphael the concept of sex was not neutral but rather specifically uncomfortable. He also knew that, while he might act stoic and grumpy, Raphael loved cuddles. What Simon still hadn't quite figured out was the in-between. Raphael liked light, soft kisses, but Simon wasn't sure when kissing crossed over into discomfort yet.

     Similarly, Simon had yet to find the exact boundaries in conversation. These seemed to fluctuate based on Raphael's moods, so they were even harder to pin down. Raphael liked discussing current events such as Downworlder conflicts or badmouthing Shadowhunters, and once Simon got him into a few shows and movies, he enjoyed discussing those too. He was usually happy to hear about Simon's personal life and any emotional struggles he might be having, though he was impatient when stressed. The confusing part was discussing Raphael's own life. Some days he seemed angry when Simon asked about his past or family. Sometimes he would approach Simon himself and ask to divulge information. Occasionally, he would have a lonely look in his eye that meant he wanted to talk, but he wouldn't until asked. Unfortunately, Simon had misinterpreted this look a few times, which caused tension, if not conflict.

     Simon didn't think that Raphael understood how terrified he was of saying or doing the wrong thing. The older vampire had probably noticed him stumbling over words but attributed it to the fast speed with which Simon almost always spoke. Maybe that was a good thing; Simon didn't want to imply that the way Raphael was was too complex and therefore bad, because he felt no such thing. In truth, Simon himself felt inadequate. He thought maybe someone else, someone smarter or better with relationships, would be able to read Raphael more easily and treat him as well as he deserved.

     "Simon?" He blinked, his chain of thoughts broken, and he saw Raphael standing a few feet away, looking a little concerned.

"Yeah?"

"I need to ask you something." Simon's mind was immediately racing. Was it about his behavior? Had he upset Raphael somehow?

"What is it?" he asked uncertainly. His fingers drummed reflexively against his leg.

"Am I..." It seemed like Raphael was struggling to put his question into words. "Am I too harsh with you?" Simon's eyebrows shot up.

"What?"

"Am I too harsh with you? It's just, you seem nervous around me a lot. I'm afraid I've treated you badly, that you're, well, scared of me."

     Simon thought his heart would cave in on itself seeing the worry and pain in Raphael's eyes.

"No," he breathed, moving forward and putting his hands gently to either side of Raphael's head. "Not that. Never that. Raph, I'm not afraid of you; I'm afraid of hurting you. I'm afraid that I'm too much. I'm afraid of pushing you too far. I'm afraid- no, terrified- of making you feel like you can't trust me or like I want you to change. I've never been good with relationships, okay? I talk too much and I force too much and I end up ruining everything, and I can't bear that to happen between us because-" He broke off when Raphael kissed him. It was soft and brief, on the forehead, not the mouth, but that didn't matter. The gentleness and affection in Raphael's eyes when he pulled back a second later was better than any kiss.

"You will never lose me," he said in a voice that was somehow both light and intense, "and I trust you. I trust you completely, with every part of myself. So don't ever be afraid to talk to me. And don't forget you're not the only one still learning boundaries."

     This last thing made Simon's eyebrows furrow. "What do you mean?" Raphael chuckled.

"I mean that I know you, Simon. I know that sometimes when you're upset any touch makes you uncomfortable. You try to hide it, but I sense it when you tense up, however slightly. It doesn't happen every time, but I still haven't quite figured out the rule. In that way, I'm afraid of pushing too much too." Simon couldn't find the words to describe how he felt in that moment, so he just wrapped his arms around Raphael, pulling him into a tight hug. Raphael hugged back, his head on Simon's shoulder. After a moment, he raised it slightly.

"Because what?"

"Huh?"

"You said you couldn't bear it to happen between us because of something. Because what?" Simon let out a breath of laughter.

"Because I love you, idiot."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh." A pause.

"I love you too, Si."

"I know, Raph."


End file.
